Perfecto by B1…a review…sort of


B1 is a Zambian musician who from what I’ve seen of him, likes to sing about life issues, though some of his songs fall into the “rather” category and as such, this post shouldn’t be considered an endorsement of his music. In the song Perfecto, he sings about women being picky in regards to relationships. Basically he starts off by saying congratulations to a 30-year-old woman who has managed to stay a virgin. He then goes further and talks about how “virgin nkote ilibe maketi”- old virgin has no market…directly translated.

The message he’s trying to push forward is that women shouldn’t be picky and shouldn’t be “fault finders” because there is no one who is perfect and that all guys have faults and are fools in one way or the other and that if we keep finding faults, we will end up old virgins.

I agree with B1 in that we women can be very picky but I don’t agree that an old virgin has no market. A man of virtue will see her character and loves her regardless of age. A lot of us turn down guys because we’re scared and rather than face our fears we hide behind “no guy is good enough”. Face your fears, but don’t settle. Better a virgin at 50 than married to useless man. Decide what the nonnegotiables are but don’t be shallow. better a man who’s not good-looking but has a heart of gold, than a self-centred Mr Good-looking. Decide what the essentials are.  Whatever you want, only you know it. My aunt always says, if you want chakolwa (a drunk), tell God and He will give it.

Problem is, a lot of us don’t even know what we want. We’re serial daters, dating anything male, without considering the character. Some of us are willing to give ourselves to any man in the hope that he will love us? But why pursue something that’s out for the taking, with no cost to him??? In the end we lose out because men like to pursue and no man will marry someone they don’t respect. Cross your legs, or be content with losing out. If you chose to wait, know that “virgin inkote” (old virgin) is a very likely possibility, but be willing to carry the label proudly, because at the end of the day, not everything is about sex and not everyone is meant to get married.

Lastly, once married, it’s for life, so yes, I’m picky about important things because I know what I want and will not settle for less. You can watch the song at this link: 

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Faith


This is another repost of one of my old facebook posts. It was posted way back in May last year.

“bravery is not the absence of fear”, NOR is positivity the ignoring of circumstances, feelings, horrors of the age. Bravery is getting up each morning in spite of and despite the feelings and pain and fear and living life to the full. possitivity is proclaiming God’s promises despite it all and looking at the circumstances and seeing beyond to what lies ahead because of God. It admits how bad things are but doesn’t stop there…look beyond! Both require FAITH 

Why I consider myself tribalist


Okay, the heading might be a little misleading, I’m not actually tribalists in the real sense of the word, I just happen to be all for preserving tribes and their respective cultures in Zambian Society. My reasoning is simply that diversity is usually a good thing. Just look at the great cultural landscape in Africa and the richness it provides; the different music, the different dances, ceremonies (some of which I don’t endorse). I love uniqueness and I believe that the different cultural practices of different tribes, generally, if we want them to, add colour to our lives. Also having to interact with so many groups of people, who might have slight differences or possibly major ones, does grow our ability to tolerate differences and improves our interpersonal skills.

I believe I was born a half-caste child for a reason ordained by God. I don’t believe any aspect of my being is an accident and it serves a purpose in the master plan. I mean God makes no errors. I’m half Bemba, half Nsenga, they are my heritage and I hold them proudly. I have to say though, before being any of those, I am Zambian, before being Zambian I am human, a family member, mother, daughter, sister, friend…but above all those, I am Christian and as paul said, “there is neither Greek nor Jew”. What should govern my view of the world is Christ hanging on a tree, not what my children will eat, neither maintaining a job nor having a husband and definitely “I’m Nsenga or Bemba, Zambian or Australian.

As hard as it is, the minute I identify myself as Nsenga above all else, I will live my life for the Nsenga people above all others, even to the detriment of other tribes. I am Christian first, and no, I don’t always get it right, but when Christ reigns, I see my traits and characteristics through the screen of “Christ died for the world and asks the same of me” and through that screen, I can live as umu Bemba/umu Nsenga and practice my culture without seeing “my people” as superior or inferior and that can be applied to every area of life.  What is it that governs your view of the world around you?

My journey with books


One of my favourite pastimes in this world is reading. I haven’t always been a reader and used to struggle with reading a book to the last page, but  generally my family is a family of readers and to that effect, I remember a quote on my mothers fridge many years ago in Chingola. It read, “a room without books is like a body without a soul…” My reading was very good and I enjoyed reading but I just couldn’t seem to finish a book. I would get a book from the library at school and would read it the first day I got it and would soon forget about it. My elder sister on the other hand could read almost anything and had pretty much read every magazine in the house and many more books; I think the only thing she hadn’t tackled was dad’s side of the bookshelf that stood between the Dinning area and living room; she even got prizes at school.

I remember willingly reading “Are you there God? it’s me Margret” by Judy Blume and I loved it. I’ve probably finished reading other books but that one stands out for me. I think I should have been about 10 or 11 at the time. The next book I remember reading (even though there were others) after that was “Helen Keller” a biography, followed by “Blubber” , another Judy Blume book that I loved and finally, Ben Carson’s “Gifted hands”  All these books, my father bought, and I think caused me to start reading more than the reading that was required for school.

I remember I went down the Mills and Boon route, when I was about twelves years old, a move that I wish I had not made, because of the sexual content I exposed myself to. I remember in boarding school when I was 13 reading two great pieces of writing by a friend and they did in fact come with sex scenes, and had I known what I know now, I wouldn’t have  indulged. I won’t lie about enjoying the two stories, I did and believe that this friend of mine has a gift and her work would be good even without the sex scenes. I read some Daniel Steel novels as well. I have since moved away from anything with sex in it as sex scenes are not good for my system be it in movies or books I can’t handle it and it doesn’t aid my growth as a person or as a Christian.

In senior high school I didn’t read many novels and I can’t even remember any of the books I read. Don’t know why or how. One thing I remember though is I made a book lover out of my best friend :). After my grade 12 exams, I discovered an Author called Francine Rivers. The first book I read by her was “Redeeming love”, which till today is one of my favourite books, if not the favourite. Francine is a Christian and writes with a Christian perspective, but even for non-Christian’s, I believe, her books would make for good reading.  That year I read another book called “Presumed guilty”  by James Scott Bell and loved it. Lately, I mainly only read books by Christian authors because they are usually safe and are not explicit. I also found a website that has free books by a Christian author, Judith Bronte, and while I enjoy her books, I do not really read them anymore, for personal reasons.

I generally read fiction and rarely ever read biographies because very few actually draw me in. I also find science books interesting and generally enjoy them better when I’m not going to be assessed on them or when I can take my time reading them, especially human biology books. I’ve gone from not being able to finish a book unless required to, to staying up late to finish a book and feeling the emotions of the book as I go…even getting angry at the characters. Would I enjoy reading as much as I do now if not for the environment I grew up in? probably not! I wonder where reading will take me next. Do any book lovers out there remember their reading journey?

Mindsets


This post is sort of an edited version of a post I once posted on Facebook. That was back in February 2011, before I got fed up with Facebook and decided to delete my account…Long story!

So one of my greatest passions is my country. I love most things Zambian and feel burdened by the state of things in Zambia. Yes compared to most places in Africa, Zambia isn’t doing tooo bad, but we’re nowhere near where we should be close to 50 years after independence.

The truth is, Zambia will never develop until we, the Zambian’s change our mindsets. We expect our leaders to walk in integrity when we, the ones meant to hold them accountable, don’t hold ourselves accountable and don’t walk in integrity.

I remember a time when certain high school students (some were my classmates) complained about the state of affairs and how when people were voted for, they only cared about lining their pockets…interesting enough, some of them were the ones passing massive pages of notes in our biology exam…And the invigilator, incensed when summoned to the headteacher’s office, could not believe I had reported the matter…apparently I was meant to “help my friends”. I have never been able to understand that concept. How is sharing answers in an exam helping anyone??? How many of those students missed class, or rather went partying at the expense of studying and discipline and yet, I was meant to help them pass their exams. the fact is the student lacks the integrity in writing his exams and yet expects that when put in a position of leadership he would do a better job than those in power.

What’s going to change to make you get to work on time, when you arrived and left school at your desired time? Or missed school all together?

“Whoever can be trusted with little can also be trusted with much, and whoever is dishonest with very little will also be dishonest with much” Luke 16:10

Even in parenting, when children show themselves responsible and trustworthy in one area, parents usually increase the level of responsiblity and privileges. How can we take care of a billion dollar building when the $250 000 one is close to collapsing???

How many of us go on a trip and after having some chips, throw the packet out the bus/car window and then complain that the streets are a mess…regardless of what we say, the people in government did not litter our streets. Lets say the government did put bins around, what will stop you from throwing that can of juice on the street when in a rush and a fairways walk away from the bin…

How many of us who are Christian refuse to give money as offering because we have very little and yet expect God to bless us with much??? Or how many of us believe the devil is the one causing us grief when we are the one’s who put ourselves in sticky situations???

How many of us refer to the police as corrupt but never look at ourselves when we pay them a few Kwacha to get out of a road fine???

How many of us vote for leaders because they promised us outrageous things that we knew they couldn’t deliver and yet, we’re filled with disappointment when they leave government a whole lot richer and the country left with more potholes, more broken down buildings and a lot more jobless people?

How many times have you seen a shoprite checkout person refuse to offer the same service offered to a “white” person, to the “black” person? We then complain when the expatriates are given different conditions than the average Zambian. Aren’t both operating on the same principle??? Though there’s more to expatriate rate than meets the eye.

A lot of the time, we look at the “developed” world and see things we would like to have, but if we can’t be trusted to care for what you have now, how can we expect any better? If we see ourselves as victims of our circumstances, how then can we develop. Those circumstances should create in us a desire for change that causes us to think of ways of bettering our lives. It’s funny because I know of people who wouldn’t even consider getting a job as a garden boy when they do not have the funds to get into college or university, rather opting to stay home and wait for a “wealthy” relative to help them out. Others refuse to do odd jobs while applying for jobs after they finish studying even if their parents are struggling, because it’s not prestigious enough. Live your life regardless of how people will view you. Does it matter so much what people think if you know what you’re working towards???

Why do so many of us live in the extremes, either choosing to hold on to all aspects of our culture, even if they don’t benefit us or letting go of our culture altogether and taking on western culture because we feel it’s better. We can learn from the west and they can learn from us. Our differences don’t make us inferior or superior, they are just differences (some things are definitely wrong). Untill we learn to be comfortable in what makes us Zambians and untill we are willing to walk in discomfort and do what is right (not what we think is right but what is actually right based on wisdom) rather than quick fix solutions or copies of the west , we will continue in the same cycles

Mentors


So I recently attended a leadership training program for Culturally and Linguistically Diverse(CALD) young women. All that means is that the programme was for young women from none Anglo-Saxon backgrounds. It was a lovely three-day programme and I have to say I learnt a lot. Part of what was talked about was those people we look up to…mentors. mentors can be anyone, even Musicians like Nicki Minaj, unfortunately. Mentors need not even know they are mentors. Okay, so this isn’t just a post on mentors, it’s going to be about a woman I found so inspirational. She passed away this week and unfortunately she never even knew that a little girl was watching her.

This woman, lost her husband years ago and raised beautiful children, one of whom I have the privilege of calling my friend. I remember that she went to University and studied but if you asked me what it is she studied I wouldn’t be able to tell you. I remember seeing her in our small town, Chingola, at thirteen and thinking, “If she could raise three children on her own, I can definitely raise one.”

More than her achievements, there was something about the way she carried herself that made me think, “I want to be like that”. She had a confidence about her; something about her demanded respect but not with arrogance, self-exaltation or pride, but with humility, confidence and grace. She was soft-spoken and kind and I can never say I knew her well, but those were the impressions I got from watching her as well as the few times I spoke to her.

I believe the greatest legacy she left, has been passed on in the children she loved and raised; children who carry themselves with confidence and respect for both themselves and others. She lived her life for God and I’m sure I’m not the only one she affected aside from her family. I have been a beneficiary of her son’s wise words, I’ve benefitted greatly from his strength, generosity and caring heart, his friendship and zeal for God.

Remember that  you never know who is watching. You never know what encouragement someone can get from seeing you rise and live life to the full. Walk in integrity, because the best mentors, sometimes never even know they lead someone.

State of Affairs


So I recently finished reading a report on the state of prisons in Zambia and while I didnt agree with every recommendation made, for me the report was an eye opener. It made me ask, “How did we let it get that bad?” Growing up I never really thought about Zambian prisons. I can honestly say, as with other things, that I led a very sheltered life.

It seems our governemnt is open to reforming the prison system, however did they really need an independent organisation going in to investgate the state of prisons to know how bad things are? Can they say they didnt know? It angers me to see how things are and yet who is there to blame but ourselves??? We can’t blame the government for everything that goes wrong, because when we really think about it, it’s us who bury our heads in the sand rather than hold our governement accountable.

There’s a lot going wrong, and the question “how did we let things get this bad?” can be applied to all areas of our society. Children on the street, unemplyment, the number of teachers sleeping with students, pollution and damage to our environment without any consequences for the ones responsible, lead poisoning, etc. How did we let things get this bad??? Fact is we just don’t care.

Now that I know, the question is, what am I going to do about it??? With a lot of things we sit back and just accept it, but nothing is going to change unless we fight for change, not with violence but with first changing ourselves and fighting for truth and holding ourselves accountable before we hold our leaders accountable. With caring enough to start to think about solutions, caring enough to reach out and pull someone up. To stop pretending that everything is okay, because it is in our own little worlds.

I forgive you


You walk in and I freeze,
I don’t want to be here.
At five you’re the witch in my nightmare,
The demon I feared, My tormentor
A mere man

I discover that I’m the girl in the shebeen
And you’re my Zamdela!
Finally making sense
The tears that never graced my cheeks,
Finally flow,
Realisation hits!
Worse still, eleven and I understand exactly

Can’t push you to the back of mind anymore
Your face is etched in my mind’s eye
Your frame towering over me like a cloud
Threatening to bring devastation.
I can’t push you to the back of the room even if I tried.

Rather fear gripping me,
I cover my face,
Wasn’t meant to look.
I hear your voice.
‘Cover your eyes’ was your request.
But I understand more than you think…

There’s something wrong with this set up…
I’m gripped with fear,
Yet what follows is a blank!
What follows? And what follows,
I hope to know
But like a rain coat as the nimbus finally gave way to the storm,
The blanket kept the memories out.

My world, crushing down at the realisation
Yet has been broken from the day you strayed
No matter how much I don’t remember,
A part of me still knows that the storm hit.
Just have to look at the broken walls of my soul to know Katrina hit with a vengeance,
For what crime I’ll never know.

Besides,
The rain coat never went down to my toes…Did it?
I’ve carried your sin, guilt and shame and made it my own
Ever since…ever since you strayed I’ve ached and screamed
And no one had eyes wide enough to see
And even after they knew, they let you in.

No wonder
I cried myself to sleep for so long…
In the dark where I could hide…
So no one could see, the pain you caused.
I wanted to be strong, but all I was lost.
Felt expected.
Your deed, somehow never mattered…

No one saw your shame on me,
The fear in my eyes.
No one heard, even though I could,
My heart threaten to break my sternum open and bleed, like it always has.
God forgot too…right?

Hurt and lost you left me,
You, I loved and respected,
You denied me my childhood,
You denied me who I was.

The truth I do not know…
But the lies I cannot separate.
The sound of your voice still imprisons me,
Filled with lies and the truth only you know…
The truth that you replaced with lies…
Another kind of truth…that leaves me with nowhere to turn

Tell me …give me back what you can never replace.
That which you have stolen that I can never reposes.
Give me my heart’s desire…
To know that which I never knew and yet did know.
To know that which I forgot you took.

The confusion, so great
The sanity you deny me so important.
Destined for success,
Formed by One greater than this
I know I will be fine.
Because God saw you and I before the foundations of the earth.
He saw your error and my pain and He saw the destruction that Cut through…
That Kat threw,
That you threw.

The day you strayed,
opened the door for Satan’s work.
But like foundation and destiny colliding, He won it for me.
I will cry no more…
You poses me no more…
You imprison me no more…
I forgive you!

falling and judgement


So this post comes after reading about the dangers of technology for young people and reading news reports about a beautiful young woman who found herself in a sticky situation with the law. In Zambia, my country, production, possesion and/or distribution of pornography are all illegal, and the young lady in particular was involved in the production of pornographic matterial with a young man, who for some reason was not arrested, when the video was made public, by another individual. I don’t want to focus on the girl in particular because I don’t want to add to her distress, however it breaks my heart to see young women in such a situation. what breaks my heart even more is us Christians standing behind the name we profess and yet yeilding the stones of the pharisee.

This is to all girls out there, believe me when I say, there are no secrets in the world and if you do something, most likely it will come out in the open. Certain things should never be put on video. Right now it might seem like whatever you are doing is never ever going to be revealed, however, that is usually not the case. Sex is something to be treasured not something to be given to any man who requests it. I know there are people out there who will say times have changed and women have been liberated, but what liberty is it if because you wanted instant gratification, you end up  pregnant and the man who once softly whispered sweet nothings into your ear, whose breath was so warm and enticing against your neck, whose voice was hoarse with passion, now stands with his back to you, not wanting to hold you, and everytime he looks at you or speaks, his eyes and voice speak rage? Worse still, you end up HIV positive.

Don’t take unneccessary risks with your life. Risks aside, women are  not men, no matter how the feminist movement tries to make us seem the same, we are not the same. Men and women, while equal, are not the same. We are wired differently. “women have more to lose if they give in” to sex. Was all the fight for women’s rights just so that we can drink our heads off like the men and sleep around like the men and  not care who we hurt in the process??? Yes we have the right to choose, but if all we see is the opportunity to choose to do the wrong thing, you would have  wasted the chance at living your life to the full.

Consider your friends, choose them wisely, because if you don’t, you’ll end up turning 40 with nothing to show for the years you’ve walked the earth. Growing up, my mother always told me, “if it’s something you don’t want me to find out about, you probably shouldn’t be doing it in the first place”, and while I have found myself hiding stuff from her in the past, I can say that that statement has not been proven wrong in my life…yet.

Those of us standing on our pedlestalls, rejoicing at the fall of another human being, while I don’t agree that as a country we should pardon those who commit crimes on the basis of “we are Christians” and “we all sin”, we cannot claim to love Christ and yet not be heart broken at the state of affairs in the world and country. We cannot demand, of everyone, the standard set by Christ, unless they profess Christ, in which case, our correction should be in love and not in anger, rooted in self righteousness because we recognise just how much in need of Christ our friends are, and know we are no different. Be angry but love even in your anger; be filled with gratitude for all that we have recieved and let the same grace be extended to others who need it.

Girls don’t sell yourself short, be the best you can be. If he can’t treasure you and respect you, he doesnt deserve you. A man who honours and respects you, doesnt want to use you for his own gratification. You cannot find love in compromise. If you’ve made mistakes and found yourself face first in the mud, pick yourself up, clean yourself up and keep walking because it’s not how you fall that counts but whether you rise after the fall. Today is a new day and no one but you stands in your way.