oh God, you heal, but not my sick  and yet I know you healed Hannah. My heart, my God bring to acceptance. My faith is weak and small. I wanted him whole … oh God, not again … let not grief and my will take me from you … 

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Self harm


today a briefly watched a show where I heard a psychologist talk about self harm as a way of getting attention. That’s interesting because a lot of the time people who harm themselves,  in whatever way possible, usually do so in hiding. I guess maybe she meant that it can be a component of some people’s self harm. She talked about behaviours like drug abuse as forms of self-harm. Got me thinking … do I possibly create drama or self sabotage for sympathy? I guess there’s scales to our habits … and most people who know me will run to the no answer if I asked them this question, but really, it got me thinking and the answer is yes … to an extent … yes, yes, I am probably using a magnifying glass on my life, but it’s true. This for me feels like a dangerous thing, that if unchecked, could grow into something that could,  potentially, destroy the good I’ve been blessed with. After all, “a little leaven …”  

the truth is, on this journey with Christ, until I die, there will never be a time when I can safely say “I have arrived.” There’s always something that we can grow in. I honestly don’t know when it started, but yes, there is a part of me that seeks sympathy … there’s this internal fight, like in all things, the good and the bad, waring inside me. The Spirit and the flesh …