Living without Him

I’ve been married a little over a year and have known my husband for about 14 years, and probably, as hindsight would have me believe, loved him for close to that. In the time we have been married, we have spent about 8 months in the same place and the other 8 apart. This seperation, especially the last 2 months have been HARD! Now some people would ask, why aren’t you living together when you love each other? There are two answers for that … Paperwork! And God!

Australia’s spouse visa process is a long and taxing process. Just answering the huge number of questions relating to our relationship is atleast a days work and then there’s the large number of evidence that needs attaching after you have paid the $7000 price tag for love.

Second is God. I keep trying to remember that God takes us where He will and opens doors and closes them, and leaves us in the waiting que for whatever reason. I say this because all authority that exisits exists because He allows it to. So in line with that, the visa will be granted when it’s granted.

I’ve learnt, in this period of waiting, how dependent on my husband, I am and how much I love him. I talk to him every chance I get but also that despite love being present, when we can’t see someone, it becomes harder to be vulnerable or maintain those lines of communication. Many a time, when our communication fails, misunderstandings, hurt and arguments follow and even when theres no misunderstandings or arguments, our lives just seem less happy, but the less we talk, the less transparent we want to be, which makes starting up that communication harder.

In being married, I have discovered that as much as I dislike hangouts with people I am not comfortable with, I love quality time with those I love. Now, this got me thinking, if in the absence of my loving, amazing but flawed husband, I can struggle for sanity so much, why don’t I struggle when the lines of communication are dying between me and my perfect God? God still speaks through His scriptures, that we so casually maime for our amusement or for itching ears. When we set time to dine with Him and hear from Him, our joy is made complete, we find our place, and no matter what goes wrong with us, we can stand with Him by our side.

I’ve found myself wondering why, as Christ’s bride, the church, members of His blessed body, we do not yearn for Him like a wife longs for her husband. With my husband being away, no other person entices, and yet, with Christ, there are so many things that entice and cause us to doubt His nearness. My prayer is that I grow to love my Christ, more than anything in this world, including my husband and I hope and pray that that would be the case for us all, those of us who, like a husband and wife, have been made one with Christ.

My dark world

I found myself driving in the dark
Some light came from around me
And then it was gone

I found myself lost, one with the dark
So removed from light once inside me
We felt the same …one

I found myself covered in a cloak
Non-distinct, except bright eye
Felt right to the bone

I’ve found fear in my dark, burnt out shack
My thoughts – proof of evil – lie
Thank Christ I’m not gone

Living despite our falls

I was reading a post by Doctor Ben Carson about Tiger Woods on Facebook this week; it was a motivational post, reminding us that whatever happens in our lives, we can still rise. I couldn’t help but remember my mother saying, “the media couldn’t rest until they destroyed him.” This she had said when Tiger’s life unravelled and he was not winning any golf tournaments. He has worked at getting back on top, and this September, he has achieved a win once more. If the quote I have shared is any indication, you can see that my mother doesn’t like it when the media splatters people’s lives out for the world to consume. She prefers hearing about the highs of their lives, like when Tiger wins tournaments, or when Celine Dion had her babies, though she only glances at these happenings.

This week, the fact that we people are quick to judge and move on has been highlighted for me. There’s a video that has been circulating on the net about the keep Zambia clean campaign, where a man asks a woman carrying a baby and water for sale on her head, to pick up discarded empty sachets. I was initially upset, but I’ve heard and watched things that have added some context to the conversation and that calmed me down. But reading the comments online, you find that even people who once supported this man, are now up in arms and boycotting the Facebook page, not to mention the name calling that falls in the category of things we as Zambians don’t do.

But in these interactions it is clear that people only like you when you do things that fit their mould of acceptable behaviour; I guess we all pick and choose, however, I like to think of myself as a person who decides who to associate with based on a track record, and not on individual moments or a few events in a space of time; but we all do it, form ideas about who people are and refuse to give grace. Sometimes though, we are as harsh as we are because we recognise a part of ourselves in them, and that sparks a defensive response on our part, and in an attempt to feel better about ourselves, try to make “the other” worse than us. It is clear that as we walk through life, we must make choices with the best intentions but not with the aim of pleasing people, otherwise we live our lives dancing to whichever piper plays, like puppets pulled in all directions, forgetting what we stand for.

Live your life, fighting for whatever it is you stand for, applying wisdom, but not swaying whenever people leave you or question your value. Live based on your convictions, hopefully stooped in truth and not just some shadowy candyfloss philosophy. Tiger rose and conquered again despite the media’s assertions that he was a “had been.” So always  remember those who cheer you on when you have nothing for them to gain, and if you should ever fall, pray that there are people around you who can tell you how far you fell but are still willing to stay with you and walk it out. If you should fall, don’t stay down, fight! Fight for the life you want.