Category: Food for thought

Space at the table

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A few years ago I started the journey towards self-publishing. What led me down this route is the realisation that if my children were ever going to embrace who they are; their language and culture in a foreign land, I would have to help them along by allowing them to access images of themselves through the written word. I set out on this journey when my nephew was born, in part because my daughter missed out on accessing high quality literature in our language. Looking back, my only access was the bible and Bemba hymn books and because I believe that we cannot expect white people to write our stories, I decided to serve up books for my family’s children. Traditional publishers were a non starter, so self publishing it was. 7 years down the line, my book is written, and a few months back, I realised that I am still asking for space at the table, in order to serve what I want these babies to consume.

It turns out that Amazon doesn’t allow self-publishing in native African languages but does cater for Afrikaans and Arabic. I don’t know why I didn’t look into this, but we’re back to the drawing board and I have possibly found another outlet but maybe we need to stop asking for space at the table and instead take our children back to our African table and serve them high quality brain food of our choosing. The words of one of my favourites Steve Biko ring true. Maybe it’s time to create the spaces we want, to develop our Africa according to our ways and then invite those who will to join us, on our terms … Not with a sense of racial superiority or as copycats of others but as a people filled with pride in our God given worth. We cannot keep knocking on homes not our own, asking for a place at tables not our own, expecting our children to find worth in borrowed lessons.

Amazon isn’t just the right table to sit at, and I came to the conclusion that maybe if my books are not welcome there, my money isn’t either. Until that changes, I will not be shopping there. Do any of you know of any tables created specifically for us?

Rona came for a visit

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The last few years have been interesting. We have seen economies crush under the weight of lockdowns and have seen freedoms shrink in light of Covid. I am one of those people who didn’t have to get jabbed because by the time Mandates were in place, I was on maternity leave, and from the looks of things, will be dropped by the time I have to go back …. well, at least that is according to the latest announcement by the premier. Who knows, they might be back in the future, or they are gone for good. I was one of those people who chose not to get vaccinated, and I have chosen to keep my vaccination status private. Partly because I know a lot of people make a lot of assumptions about people’s choices and I don’t like feeling like I am defending my choices. I have mainly kept my illness quiet too because while I was feeling mostly well, I didn’t want to “jinx” myself.

The truth is, there were and still are many unknowns and over the last two years, we have seen people wish others ill, from predictions that Africa would be hard hit by Covid, to the unvaccinated and vaccinated predicting each other’s demise. I have been anxious, as I am sure others have been, wondering if my choice to not get vaccinated would prove wrong, or if any of my vaccinated family would suffer an adverse reaction, or worse … And worse has happened over the last two years, with many of us losing loved ones to not just Covid but other things too.

Here I am, still standing, not because I am vaccinated or not, but because God chose to give me another day, another hour, minute … another second. It might seem to us that the government protected people by forcing vaccination, but ultimately God preserved lives, not because we deserve to live but because He is merciful. I did everything to make sure Covid did not come into my home, but it did! As if to remind us to trust God. I have no control over how long I live, over whether I get to raise my children, but I can commit them into his hands. I have no control over how long I have with my husband, my siblings, my parents, my kin or any of my friends. I only have control over what I do with the time I have today and where I put my trust.

My flesh and heart may fail but …

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I have often heard it said that for a C section mum, their bodies did not fail them, but I have been struggling with this feeling for over four months, uneasy, feeling like it boarders on ungrateful and entitled. There are people out there that want children and can’t have them for whatever reason. I have been blessed with two.

My feelings are complicated … I am smitten with our latest addition and both my children fill my life with so much joy, and yet, I am filled with grief and it doesn’t really seem like there is anyone to turn to with that … because others would give anything to be cut. Others have encouraged me with quotes on how strong C section mothers are, and yet, when I wake up in pain every morning, and with doctors unable to pinpoint the origins of that pain– knowing that C sections are my future if I am to ever have more children–I am reminded that my body failed me. It didn’t birth my children how it was created to … and maybe in a sense, I failed it too.

The truth is sometimes I feel failed by others around me, and maybe even God. At different times I have found hope in the words of an understanding sister, selfless kin, a wise child … but none can quite fathom these feelings. Today I found hope in the words of someone whose hope of having children has been dashed … and I was reminded that even when our bodies fail us, God is still faithful. The same God who David in 1Chronicles 16:8 says we should call on … and rightly so because His name is a strong tower where we can take refuge (proverbs 18:10). Yes, He could have kept me from being here, and I don’t understand why, but for whatever reason, He didn’t, and yet, He is still good.

He is the same God who came through, when we prayed for a child for years and decided to accept whatever his answer was … The same God I cried to when I was told I potentially had an ectopic pregnancy and again cried to when I was told I was probably going to miscarry … He deserves our praise and while I waddle through these feelings, I will continue to call on Him because I know that He is the one who blesses without adding sorrow

God has been faithful in loss and pain, in joy and pleasure … in whatever season, He has been steadfast, my immovable rock … the ONE I can count on. So call on Him and see Him move.

This is the second post in what I am calling the 1 Chronicles 16 series. To read the first post here.

Give thanks

On By blessingsonahillIn All posts, Food for thought3 Comments

Sometimes, it’s easy to find things to be thankful for, and other times, not as easy, even though the good is staring you right in the face. In what has been a hard year, I stand at the end of it knowing I should be grateful, reading 1Chronicles 16:8 and wondering if my inability to list things I am grateful for is a sign of a heart gone cold or if it is just the result of birth trauma.

I am reminded as I start the day to give thanks for the day, because it is mercy that has made it possible to breathe today, and because of that mercy I have a chance at life again today. I am thankful that because God made it possible, there was food on my table yesterday and there will be food on my table today. Slowly, my mind wonders to the many things I am thankful for – the little person who after not seeing me for a few hours smiles with glee, like she is seeing a long lost friend. Thankful for those who walked me through a difficult time, thankful for the man who has fed me for what seemed like eons, thankful for the child who God has spoken through … and … you get the picture, the list becomes endless.

I have had family, friends and colleagues go far and beyond for me and I have been so blessed this year; and as memories of the blessings that God has bestowed flood my mind, the hardships pale and are far removed from my mind.

Today, you might be thinking of what has been taken (The Lord gives and the Lord takes), but give thanks unto the LORD, if for nothing more than the fact that you are alive today, because He has given more than we deserve and when I look at the totality of my life I know that He has given me more than he has ever taken. What are you thankful for today? Because the writer (David), isn’t asking as to consider giving thanks, he instructs us, and for good reason.

What’s in a label … Victim

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I have been pondering this for the better part of 2 days … can’t even believe that I lost sleep over it. But I met someone recently who wears the victim label really well and in thinking this over, I remembered a story I once heard about the power of sin …

This isnt the exact version I heard but I hope you get the picture. A man buys a house and cleans it up, sets everything in order and leaves the man of the house to live there. Initially he does well, keeps it clean and enjoys being there. One day the old landlord comes and asks for just a small spot on the wall saying, “I just want to keep one small cloth on a nail.” No one will even know it’s there.

The nail is hammered into the wall and the cloth placed on it. What the man of the house is not told is that the cloth is dirty and smelly and soon, its smell soon fills the whole house.

So it is with sin, Jesus comes and sets our houses in order and gives us all his abundance, but whenever the enemy comes back, enticing, requesting a small space, he doesn’t stop there. The influence of that small sin, can fill and taint our whole being; and so it is with anger and bitterness.

Some people are so blinded by the label “victim,” that they are unable to see past a perceived wrong, or even a real one. No one is immune to hurt and pain as long as we exist in a world where we interact with other beings. Some of us, including me, at different times have allowed ourselves to put offence on a nail, and let bitterness grow until it’s stench fills every inch of our being. Everyone who walks into our lives can smell it and most choose not to stay, but we are so used to the stench that we are unwilling to deal with the source.

Bitterness infects everything we do and leaves very little room for the enjoyment of the things we have. It focuses on what has been lost and how we have been wronged and refuses to acknowledge our part in what has happened in our lives.

Sometimes we are so comfortable with the anger and want to hold on to it, and left unchecked, anger morphs into bitterness and Bitterness is never mild, it’s a cancer, a contagion that affects those we touch too. No wonder God asks that we Keep our hearts with all diligence and to not let the sun go down in anger. We are all victims of wrongs committed at different times by different people, but staying a victim robs us, so I pray that we recognise bitterness for what it is, where it lurks and remove it before it taints us.

Survival mode

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The last few months have been something to say the least … If you have followed this blog for long, you will know that I take leaves of absence when life gets hectic. This year, I had to take a long one and honestly, I am not sure it is over yet. Been feeling unwell for the bigger part of the last 7 or so months and was in ‘survival mode’

And no, it’s not Covid, even though it has in its spree brought sadness and pain … anxiety and death, sometimes in the most unexpected places. As usual, God has been faithful, my husband has been faithful and again my family and friends have been faithful; and I know that there is joy in the now and a promise of joy to come … and with that hope, comes anxiety because of other people’s stories and I have to be reminded of the immense love of God and His mercies which cease not. Regardless of what comes our way; surviving, thriving or treading water, He is constant, unfailing and has us covered.

Human Dignity

On By blessingsonahillIn All posts, Food for thought, PoetryLeave a comment 

Our dignity is not found in status, 
the coins that dress us
the tears on our backs
the tears in our eyes
Dignity is not imputed by our senses
the grace in our steps
the sensuality of our movements
the depths of our sexuality
Dignity is a quality of being human
Something never to be gained 
Never to be lost
Never to be stolen
Dignity is a quality born in us
It lives even when unseen in us
unrecognisable in others 
It is a quality of being human

Choose life

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God sets before us life or death and implores us to choose life.

This world can be crushing and its dark days oppressive … but there is always hope, even when our own hands threaten to drown us, there is hope … even just a sliver as if through a crack … and when we walk through the valley and the ghosts lurk in the shadows, remember that the shadows are shaped by light … and when we are deep in the cave, deep in the earth of despair, remember that there is light somewhere beyond these dark oppressive cold places … and that as long as the sun rises somewhere beyond our view or that even when it fails to shine, that the Son always promises to shine, to be present in our weakness, in our strength and every place we find ourselves. I pray you find your tether that leads you back out of the cave. I hope you hear the love in the voices that call your name and remember your place among us and the deep pain that your absence is bound to leave. I plead with you … choose life.

Christians, hell is not the gospel.

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I recently saw a video of a group holding signs at some awards that were taking place in Hollywood and they had a megaphone with flames painted on it. As a Christian, I felt a bit like I wanted to shrink back and not announce what I am. Why? Because the words that were coming through the megaphone did not seem Christian to me.

I understand that hell is something that the bible talks about and that judgement before a just God is something that all man must face. However I shrink back from shoving Christianity in people’s faces and angrily proclaiming Christ when His ways were humble.

It’s like the “God hates fags” placard. I am a Christian who believes the words of the bible and is convinced that any form of sexual contact outside a socially recognised marriage between a man and a woman is not what God intended, however, I do not subscribe to the statement that these people holding the placard hold.

Why? Because according to God’s word, while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us. When we were still His enemies, he laid his life for us. Because as a fallen human, saved by grace, I understand that I am no better than anyone else around me and that my white lies, greed and jealousy all make me a candidate for His judgement. God is gracious to all mankind, and shouting at someone you feel is the “other,” the defective, and daming them to hell like you are the righteous judge, is anything but Christ-like.

Hell is not the gospel. Christ’s glory, His love for his fallen people and how he took our place and restores lives, is. When you read the new testament, you find a gentle Christ and His gentle disciples who took the gospel far and wide and in many instances when you see His anger expressed, it is against an elite group who assumed their salvation was guaranteed and set heavy burdens over the people around them. Even when the disciples were told what to do when people rejected the gospel, we find that the disciples aren’t even asked to say anything … they were to do something that by today’s standard would be considered very benign and non confrontational … they were to dust off their feet and leave.

Christ warns us against the leaven of the Pharisees. While I can recognise these traits in both the world and the church, the bible’s standards are for those who profess to follow Christ. Our responsibility towards the world is not to Lord over them with our standard but to show them the gospel in its fullness and show them the change that takes place in our hearts as Christ takes over our lives.