Category: Family life

Clean slate

On By blessingsonahillIn All posts, Family life, Food for thought, PoetryLeave a comment

Clean slate, we come into this world,

Nothing written on the pages of our lives

Like trees even before they’re pressed between our palms,

We are soft, angels they say,

 

But in our veins flood the messages from those before

Like branding irons, our parents passed on

Beyond our comprehension, traits, their choices,

They say genes remember…

 

Curses! Like Cain! Like Adam! Like me!

Shot by my life giver before my life began

Cursed by love, out of fear of her past

My genes do remember …

 

My sin calls curses out, stronger!

Truth is less audible in this noise

Of who’s right or wrong,

And whether I’m possessed or just maimed by fate.

 

My sin drowns Love’s calls;

Truth is less audible in this vision

Noosed round my neck by your loving hands

My genes do remember…

 

If not because of fate or makeup

Then by mere words spoken

Like knives, they draw out your blood in me

My genes will remember…

 

Seen only as a product of your choices

Cursed beyond even Christs’ blood

Whatever sins were hers to bear

I’m branded with, for life, to bear…

 

Oh yes, my genes will remember

If you let them, might remember

Christ’s blood louder calls

Louder than these curses and visions of me.

Domestic violence, a confession.

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This is it, this is my confession. Hi, I am Blessings on a hill, I am 26 and I was a victim of domestic violence.

26 years of grace

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As this day comes to an end, I feel it appropriate to give praise where it is due. God has brought me this far. There are some who might call me crazy for believing in a being I can’t see, but this life has been rough! So, so rough and unrelenting in it’s challenges. When I felt out of place among my peers, with no confidence in myself, it was among God’s people, I found acceptance. It was God who gave me a family that defends, protects, corrects and accepts, even when I have nothing that seems acceptable within me. It is this same God who has seen me through moments of great despair, when all I could see was death. Few would know this, but there were times, plenty of times, when death seemed appealing. When I was so scared of throwing myself in front of a train, that I couldn’t leave the house, it was God who brought healing.

It was Him who gave me the child, who has been a teacher and inspiration. It was God who has kept me standing, brought me joy and brought love into my life when I least expected it. It was him who gifted me with a love for words and poetry, writing and drawing. I am a mother, with endless dreams and possibilities. Everything I have to be proud of, has been given to me. Gift’s, I hope, that can point people toward heaven.

I’m a beautiful work in progress, but oh has He been gracious to me and has never let me down! I am learning to rejoice in His goodness and trust His wounds and to count every blessing. I am filled with a sense of urgency, to make my life count, and if  unchecked, that could make me throw caution to the wind and make a mess of what I believe is a calling. I am not where I want to be, I fall, I’m the “chief of sinners”. I’m flawed, and my greatest prayer lately can be summed up as  “help my unbelief.”

I guess if I died today, I would want people to see God’s stamp at every step in my life. If you learn anything from my flawed life, I hope it’s that God is good and that there is nothing that happens out of His authority, and that if He allows it to happen, it has a purpose! I’m 26, and I’m living again; that is a miracle, that renders me unable to forgo the craziness of believing in a God I can’t see … I have seen Him, in the grace of those who share my belief, in those who shared it before me. I have seen Him in the small details of my life. Not only have I seen Him, I have heard Him and my prayer is that I would see Him and know Him as more valuable than anything else.

Christmas

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The best thing about Christmas is probably time spent with family and friends and this year as we do every year, we had at least 30 people in the house. It was a great day and the days that led up to Christmas, my young sis, my daughter and I decided to bake what would be our Christmas present to everyone who was coming. It was a lot of work but a lot of fun too. Then there was Christmas services at Church…all I can say is I haven’t enjoyed  praise like that is a while. Other than Christmas, it happens to be my 2 cousins’, my uncle’s and mum’s birthdays in the few days before Christmas so we were also celebrating birthdays. Safe to say by the time Christmas night came and people had gone home, our whole household was really really tired!

This Christmas proved very special for us…my 0lder brother proposed to his lovely girlfriend and we are all now looking forward to a wedding soon. it’s funny to think of my brother as a romantic but he is and he couldn’t have picked a better woman! This was the best Christmas present and a great end to the year. God has been really good to us and I am grateful for the endless blessings. As this year comes to an end, a lot has been lost but we have been given so much more than we could have dreamt of. There’s nothing worth more than family and I pray that we all learn to appreciate them more and set aside selfish desires for the good of all those around us.

Birthdays

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There’s nothing that makes me feel older than other peoples birthdays…My younger siblings more than anyone else. Though one that shocks me a lot is my daughter’s. There are four birthdays from the 23rd to the 30th of November. The 23rd happens to be my big mum’s birthday. She is a precious woman in whose house I spent many of my childhood days. Growing up, I always new she was my mum’s sister and was probably in my teens before I fully understood that she was actually my mother’s best friend. Seems dumb I know but I think it explains the kind of relationship that we have with their family. There were times when my parents couldn’t pick us up till late and we spent the night. We spent holidays there, shared in birthdays and hand me downs went between the two houses. I miss sitting pa mpasa after school and talking with her and gleaning from a life lived well. She has been a source of wisdom and when I had a child out of wedlock, she loved me all the more; she defended me. She reminded me I was worth so much and that I could achieve anything.

She loved my child before she was born and the day I went into hospital, all mum had to do was call her and her and her eldest daughter (my sister) were there when we got to the clinic, and she stayed until they had no choice but to go home; same time mum left, and she was back the day after and the day after that. She was there when I was struggling with intense feelings of sadness, when I couldn’t understand why God would let my life go the way it had. Even today, all I have to do is call or text and her wisdom always leaves me feeling at peace. I have always been safe with her and I love her beyond words. Celebrating her birthday leaves me feeling blessed.

baby bro
baby bro

Then there’s the birthdays, other than my daughter’s that make me feel old. Younger siblings! Bwalya, Ndeke and Dalitso; their birthdays are on the 24th, 28th and 30th respectively and they turned 18, 17 and 21. I feel old because I’ve seen all three in Diapers and carried them on my back…

I don’t think I ever carried Mr D but still, he’s my baby brother and even though he now thinks it’s inappropriate for me to say so, he will always be that and that image will never go away. Maybe one day I will manage to get him reading.

I will always love you and Someone like you Karaoke in three generations. Ndeke, Me, Mum and my daughter!
“I will always love you” and “Someone like you” Karaoke in three generations. Ndeke, Me, “small” Mum and my daughter!

Bwalya and Ndeke are just two of the bravest girls I know. Both have faced so much and are still standing. You guys inspire me and I know I can be very mean and love to tease and portray a very harsh no nonsense face but I love you guys and I am inspired by you. Bwalya as SandyI can’t wait to see you guys in the next few years. I can’t believe how big you are and for me the hard thing is to let you be grown because I will always see you as my babies in need of protecting. God will take you places and I know that people will be blessed because of you!