letting go of the invaluable

I have been writing poetry for as far back as I can remember. I’ve used it mostly to process my thoughts and my emotions. Generally I can’t write unless under high emotions. I look over the pieces I’ve written and majority of them have been written under despair…In the moments of my life when I felt lost and had no way of getting out. Some have been in anger and grief, some at a point where I just let go, very few in a state of joy, love or peace.

This year has been sort of a change for me. My writing has been more balanced, less sad; I guess a reflection of my state of mind. I have written so much since July and today have to admit that I think I will never see those writings again. I saw them last a month ago, tucked in between the covers of my notebook that I misplaced together with my bible.  To be honest I’m not really all that bothered about losing my bible, not because it’s not important to me but because the notebook contained my quiet time with God; Notes about what I got from reading my bible. Poems I wrote from gems I found in the bible. Poems about loss, poems about love. I can’t get those back. I can get a new bible, and yes, I will have to get acquainted with it but I can’t get those pieces of writing back…Not happy at all but trying to hold on and hope I will find them is just shaking my walk and because of that I have to finally say goodbye…Time to let go of the idol and get acquainted with a new bible, get a new notebook and get back to writing.


This is another repost of one of my old facebook posts. It was posted way back in May last year.

“bravery is not the absence of fear”, NOR is positivity the ignoring of circumstances, feelings, horrors of the age. Bravery is getting up each morning in spite of and despite the feelings and pain and fear and living life to the full. possitivity is proclaiming God’s promises despite it all and looking at the circumstances and seeing beyond to what lies ahead because of God. It admits how bad things are but doesn’t stop there…look beyond! Both require FAITH 

I forgive you

You walk in and I freeze,
I don’t want to be here.
At five you’re the witch in my nightmare,
The demon I feared, My tormentor
A mere man

I discover that I’m the girl in the shebeen
And you’re my Zamdela!
Finally making sense
The tears that never graced my cheeks,
Finally flow,
Realisation hits!
Worse still, eleven and I understand exactly

Can’t push you to the back of mind anymore
Your face is etched in my mind’s eye
Your frame towering over me like a cloud
Threatening to bring devastation.
I can’t push you to the back of the room even if I tried.

Rather fear gripping me,
I cover my face,
Wasn’t meant to look.
I hear your voice.
‘Cover your eyes’ was your request.
But I understand more than you think…

There’s something wrong with this set up…
I’m gripped with fear,
Yet what follows is a blank!
What follows? And what follows,
I hope to know
But like a rain coat as the nimbus finally gave way to the storm,
The blanket kept the memories out.

My world, crushing down at the realisation
Yet has been broken from the day you strayed
No matter how much I don’t remember,
A part of me still knows that the storm hit.
Just have to look at the broken walls of my soul to know Katrina hit with a vengeance,
For what crime I’ll never know.

The rain coat never went down to my toes…Did it?
I’ve carried your sin, guilt and shame and made it my own
Ever since…ever since you strayed I’ve ached and screamed
And no one had eyes wide enough to see
And even after they knew, they let you in.

No wonder
I cried myself to sleep for so long…
In the dark where I could hide…
So no one could see, the pain you caused.
I wanted to be strong, but all I was lost.
Felt expected.
Your deed, somehow never mattered…

No one saw your shame on me,
The fear in my eyes.
No one heard, even though I could,
My heart threaten to break my sternum open and bleed, like it always has.
God forgot too…right?

Hurt and lost you left me,
You, I loved and respected,
You denied me my childhood,
You denied me who I was.

The truth I do not know…
But the lies I cannot separate.
The sound of your voice still imprisons me,
Filled with lies and the truth only you know…
The truth that you replaced with lies…
Another kind of truth…that leaves me with nowhere to turn

Tell me …give me back what you can never replace.
That which you have stolen that I can never reposes.
Give me my heart’s desire…
To know that which I never knew and yet did know.
To know that which I forgot you took.

The confusion, so great
The sanity you deny me so important.
Destined for success,
Formed by One greater than this
I know I will be fine.
Because God saw you and I before the foundations of the earth.
He saw your error and my pain and He saw the destruction that Cut through…
That Kat threw,
That you threw.

The day you strayed,
opened the door for Satan’s work.
But like foundation and destiny colliding, He won it for me.
I will cry no more…
You poses me no more…
You imprison me no more…
I forgive you!