Bouncing legs a joyously painful ordeal;
Cradling arms, nurturing life, lovingly securing;
Joyous laughter at small words; scolding words
At unruly deeds; strained voices at arguments,
Fire blazing, painful tears at mistakes made,
Resentment held and the loss I’ve felt.
Fear for what she would or might become
Fear that your mistakes have forever maimed,
Of all the feelings you’ve felt and held
with strong arms, a strong heart; strong will
One remained unchanging. You loved me.
I was awaked by love,
But with me, ghosts rose too.
Fears of lusts awakened long before I could articulate why they were wrong
In my pseudo virgin state, I was afloat, threatening to sink me, I felt stuck
But of a truth, He keeps his own, afloat
He got me to the alter
Fears gone.
I was awakened by love,
But with me, smells rose too
Faces long etched in my brain before I could find a place to belong
In my psuedo adult state, the lost infant, I had to trust a Father’s love.
That in His truth He keeps His own afloat,
Chases the ghosts away,
Mind freed
In the interest of love, life awakened,
And with it, hope arose too.
Beautiful wild flower,
Delicate and pure,
Plucked just before it’s bloom,
It’s the Master’s field,
He decides
Love’s rarest of beauties,
Now clothed in white,
Before we could see purple turn to white
What to do with these her gifts?
Oh rarest of princesses
Now in Christ’s fields to grow
In His arms to sleep
Not married to her prince as was hoped
Now forever joined to her God
Prince of peace,
Comfort our hearts
Bring joy behind this veil of tears
shine light into the building darkness
Dawn seems forever lost,
the sun set on this her life
May the Son, His glorious light shine
As He comes to take this our cross,
Jesus forever glorified in death or life
Nenanji our sister and friend,
Rest in Christ alone
Forevermore, till He calls us home.
Love … what is love?
beautiful beautiful love,
Is it shaped like a heart,
does it skip beats like a murmur?
No,
ugly ugly love
is shaped like a spear pierced heart
skips no beats, it’s passion!
yes
beautiful beautiful love
soaked in blood like an abattoir,
Blood stained tombs made whole!
No
ugly ugly love
turned in riches for rugs
beauty for Sheol and it’s death
Yes
Beautiful beautiful love
tore my tomb open
restored my moth eaten flesh
No
ugly ugly love
can take it all away
Christ stands victorious
Christ is love
The doors open, and that’s her cue. She turns to baTata and smiles, her heart lessening it’s flatter. He looks different in a suit, but black is definitely his colour; she’s never seen him look this handsome. Hooking her arm in his, he leads her forward. This is the last time he will lead her, and she’s filled with a sense of loss; her father, her world—but only momentarily because before her is a man she loves. Her steps, in line with her father, she’s focused only on the two men; the one beside her and the one ahead of her. The music, her pledge to the man in front of her and a testament to the one beside her, she smiles at the words as tears fill her big brown eyes behind the veil. Her heart picks up pace again as her father hands her over to the other man in black, her small delicate hand in his big hand, one hand against her back, he places her hand in her fiancé’s arm and urges her forward. She hesitates; there’s something missing.
Putting her arms around her father’s neck, she whispers in his ear “I love you.”
“I love you too.” He smiles, before releasing her so the service can start.
This is it, this is my confession. Hi, I am Blessings on a hill, I am 26 and I was a victim of domestic violence.
My elder brother got married this weekend. It was a tiring weekend and I have found myself nursing a massive headache since yesterday, to the extent that I ended up having to stay home from work; and no, I’m not nursing a hangover. The closest to alcohol I came was accidentally spilling beer on myself while passing it to a friend and a sip of champagne during the toast. Anyway, the headache was well worth the day. My brother is married! To a beautiful woman I am happy to call my sis 🙂
This relationship is just inspirational. The coming together of two people who have overcome obstacles and have kept their focus on God and helped others see His goodness, not being swayed here and there but standing firm on what they believe.
They have carried themselves in an honorable manner, not taking shortcuts and I for one feel challenged to live my life better and focus on the one who matters most. The rest God will provide in his own time.
The other thing I have learnt is to sometimes let things slide. This whole time I have been caught losing my cool, but on Saturday, none of it mattered. None of it matters today. My brother is the same God fearing, fun loving man he was and his wife, the same peace loving, joy filled, laid back woman.
I have to admit that I found myself feeling scared of the change but now it feels okay; change is a good thing…sometimes and this is one of those times; holding on to the past would make for a very miserble sister.
Weddings are stressful but on the day, it’s a celebration of the two people who love each other enough to spend the rest of their lives together. The coming together of two families, whose job now is to support and help build something beautiful and not to tear down. We have seen many who have missed out on being supporting beams and have rather chosen to be what destroys marriages and pray that God gives me enough wisdom to choose to support. I pray that the couple will see many happy years and that God will give us all the grace to bless them and not tear down. I can’t wait to see the great things that are yet to unfold in this new union, to the glory of God!
There’s nothing that makes me feel older than other peoples birthdays…My younger siblings more than anyone else. Though one that shocks me a lot is my daughter’s. There are four birthdays from the 23rd to the 30th of November. The 23rd happens to be my big mum’s birthday. She is a precious woman in whose house I spent many of my childhood days. Growing up, I always new she was my mum’s sister and was probably in my teens before I fully understood that she was actually my mother’s best friend. Seems dumb I know but I think it explains the kind of relationship that we have with their family. There were times when my parents couldn’t pick us up till late and we spent the night. We spent holidays there, shared in birthdays and hand me downs went between the two houses. I miss sitting pa mpasa after school and talking with her and gleaning from a life lived well. She has been a source of wisdom and when I had a child out of wedlock, she loved me all the more; she defended me. She reminded me I was worth so much and that I could achieve anything.
She loved my child before she was born and the day I went into hospital, all mum had to do was call her and her and her eldest daughter (my sister) were there when we got to the clinic, and she stayed until they had no choice but to go home; same time mum left, and she was back the day after and the day after that. She was there when I was struggling with intense feelings of sadness, when I couldn’t understand why God would let my life go the way it had. Even today, all I have to do is call or text and her wisdom always leaves me feeling at peace. I have always been safe with her and I love her beyond words. Celebrating her birthday leaves me feeling blessed.
Then there’s the birthdays, other than my daughter’s that make me feel old. Younger siblings! Bwalya, Ndeke and Dalitso; their birthdays are on the 24th, 28th and 30th respectively and they turned 18, 17 and 21. I feel old because I’ve seen all three in Diapers and carried them on my back…
I don’t think I ever carried Mr D but still, he’s my baby brother and even though he now thinks it’s inappropriate for me to say so, he will always be that and that image will never go away. Maybe one day I will manage to get him reading.
Bwalya and Ndeke are just two of the bravest girls I know. Both have faced so much and are still standing. You guys inspire me and I know I can be very mean and love to tease and portray a very harsh no nonsense face but I love you guys and I am inspired by you. 
I can’t wait to see you guys in the next few years. I can’t believe how big you are and for me the hard thing is to let you be grown because I will always see you as my babies in need of protecting. God will take you places and I know that people will be blessed because of you!
So, was going to say that today was the A21 Campaign walk for freedom but it was actually yesterday, missed it by a few hours. My mum and I walked today but we didn’t finish the whole 7 km walk because we got lost on our way to the starting point and were running late because we had been cooking for an event at our Church, which happened to be African Night.
There are people suffering out there and this might sound self-centred but just walking and donating money towards a cause like this, I think is a good way to help make better choices. In the fight for purity, it’s always a good thing to be reminded that behind the pornographic video or photo there might be a woman who is enslaved. Two slaves; the consumer and the one who matters most, the victim.
Before you access pornography, remember, there is a person on the other end, who in a lot of cases does not want to be where they are. Before you enter a brothel, remember that too. There are so many people who call for the legalisation of the sex trade but do we ever consider the ramifications of such a move? Even if brothels were regulated, so many people would slip through the cracks, especially in countries where corruption is rife.
I pray that God gives us enough compassion for the many who are enslaved by our selfish desires. That even when temptation arises, we will see our own children, family and friends exploited and that “that” will keep us sane enough to say no. Its only in saying no that an industry this big can ever be overcome. On a deeper level, that His love and grace will penetrate to the depths of our hearts and render us only slaves to Him.
People wonder why I’m still single. I’m a 24-year-old who’s never been in a relationship and people are getting worried that if I go passed this age bracket, I might never get married. At different stages of my life, I have had reasons for not being in a relationship. One big one was fear. I was not willing to give a man a chance. Then at one point, I discovered I had my heart set on one man and was unwilling to let go completely. I finally did get close to being in a relationship but his heart was not really in it. I was an option, or at least that was the impression I got.
I had to move on and though there have been offers; not many I might say, I don’t believe in jumping from one relationship to the next, so even though I have never actually dated anyone, it feels right for me that I wait and see where God takes me. Those issues are still there, I guess everyone has their own but I need to work on me and my relationship with God so that when that man finally comes I’ll be ready. I wasn’t anywhere near ready the last time. What does ready look like? “In love with God” is what ready looks like and I am not there yet. I know what I am asking for in a man but I have to be working at being that kind of person. So it’s not a matter of counting works or checking a love metre. When I get to where God wants me before He brings a man, if He has one for me, then a man will be there waiting.
I am single because I am a daughter from a long line of strong men and women; men and women who have shown me to stand strong when I believe in something; women who built legacies alongside their husbands and men who respected their wives and protected them. I refuse to settle for less. If he can’t respect me before he marries me, it won’t matter after.
I am a sister and have younger sisters who need to see that settling is not an option. That there is more to life than a man to buy your Brazilian. That there should be a standard and that it is okay to be alone if God permits (Not yet at that stage). That they are too valuable to settle for a man who only sees their body or a man who is willing to trade them in for pleasure or a man who fills himself with alcohol endlessly or a womaniser. I have seen that too many times; even in my own family. If it did happen that I ended up with a cheat, it should not be because I saw those traits and settled anyway.
I am a mother and I want a man worthy of my daughters affection. The day she was born left no room for men who don’t know what they want. I am too “unstable”! There is no way I am going around adding to my instability by finding myself a man who can’t care for himself. Marriage is not an adoption and I refuse to be a grown man’s mother when I’m called to submit. I want my daughter to see in me, if I do get married, the example that I have seen some before me show. I want my sons and daughters to be blessed by my marriage and not to be maimed by it. I want a man whose example for my sons will leave them loving God, respecting themselves and the women around them; protecting them and not making baby mamas at every corner. I want them to see that I was me and that I was not defined by my singleness or my being coupled. That in whatever state I was in I lived. That I refused to be pushed in a corner and settle for just anyone. That while time waits for no one, focusing on the man I don’t have is daylight robbery. I refuse to let others make choices for me and that the responsibility for the consequences is mine.
I am more than a couple, more than a single woman, I am more than my feelings more than my aging ovaries. I do want to get married but not out of fear of dying alone, yes I am sometimes scared but this is the season of my life and I will live my life as it comes. Along with these things, I want my example to be that I did not sit around and wait for a man but that I lived for God and that nothing held me back. I want to move from where I am and to grow in each season, counting my blessings and not looking at what I don’t have.
Blessings on a hill 