Rona came for a visit


The last few years have been interesting. We have seen economies crush under the weight of lockdowns and have seen freedoms shrink in light of Covid. I am one of those people who didn’t have to get jabbed because by the time Mandates were in place, I was on maternity leave, and from the looks of things, will be dropped by the time I have to go back …. well, at least that is according to the latest announcement by the premier. Who knows, they might be back in the future, or they are gone for good. I was one of those people who chose not to get vaccinated, and I have chosen to keep my vaccination status private. Partly because I know a lot of people make a lot of assumptions about people’s choices and I don’t like feeling like I am defending my choices. I have mainly kept my illness quiet too because while I was feeling mostly well, I didn’t want to “jinx” myself.

The truth is, there were and still are many unknowns and over the last two years, we have seen people wish others ill, from predictions that Africa would be hard hit by Covid, to the unvaccinated and vaccinated predicting each other’s demise. I have been anxious, as I am sure others have been, wondering if my choice to not get vaccinated would prove wrong, or if any of my vaccinated family would suffer an adverse reaction, or worse … And worse has happened over the last two years, with many of us losing loved ones to not just Covid but other things too.

Here I am, still standing, not because I am vaccinated or not, but because God chose to give me another day, another hour, minute … another second. It might seem to us that the government protected people by forcing vaccination, but ultimately God preserved lives, not because we deserve to live but because He is merciful. I did everything to make sure Covid did not come into my home, but it did! As if to remind us to trust God. I have no control over how long I live, over whether I get to raise my children, but I can commit them into his hands. I have no control over how long I have with my husband, my siblings, my parents, my kin or any of my friends. I only have control over what I do with the time I have today and where I put my trust.

My flesh and heart may fail but …


I have often heard it said that for a C section mum, their bodies did not fail them, but I have been struggling with this feeling for over four months, uneasy, feeling like it boarders on ungrateful and entitled. There are people out there that want children and can’t have them for whatever reason. I have been blessed with two.

My feelings are complicated … I am smitten with our latest addition and both my children fill my life with so much joy, and yet, I am filled with grief and it doesn’t really seem like there is anyone to turn to with that … because others would give anything to be cut. Others have encouraged me with quotes on how strong C section mothers are, and yet, when I wake up in pain every morning, and with doctors unable to pinpoint the origins of that pain– knowing that C sections are my future if I am to ever have more children–I am reminded that my body failed me. It didn’t birth my children how it was created to … and maybe in a sense, I failed it too.

The truth is sometimes I feel failed by others around me, and maybe even God. At different times I have found hope in the words of an understanding sister, selfless kin, a wise child … but none can quite fathom these feelings. Today I found hope in the words of someone whose hope of having children has been dashed … and I was reminded that even when our bodies fail us, God is still faithful. The same God who David in 1Chronicles 16:8 says we should call on … and rightly so because His name is a strong tower where we can take refuge (proverbs 18:10). Yes, He could have kept me from being here, and I don’t understand why, but for whatever reason, He didn’t, and yet, He is still good.

He is the same God who came through, when we prayed for a child for years and decided to accept whatever his answer was … The same God I cried to when I was told I potentially had an ectopic pregnancy and again cried to when I was told I was probably going to miscarry … He deserves our praise and while I waddle through these feelings, I will continue to call on Him because I know that He is the one who blesses without adding sorrow

God has been faithful in loss and pain, in joy and pleasure … in whatever season, He has been steadfast, my immovable rock … the ONE I can count on. So call on Him and see Him move.

This is the second post in what I am calling the 1 Chronicles 16 series. To read the first post here.

I have my whole life planned out


I like to think of myself as a master planner when it comes to my life but if you know me, and know me well, you know that I really am not that great at planning. I used to be one of those people who just went with the flow, but I now find that in order to maintain my sanity, I need to have some set plan; and by that, I mean one of those unchanging fixed step by step guides for my day.

Life however is not like that. My parents, I am sure always had plans for each of their kids, and I am sure me having a child at a really young age was not part of it. Still, when it happened they rose to the challenge and walked out the days ahead.

I hadn’t planned on my daughter being as attached as she is to my mother, and I definitely had my mind set on becoming a vet. I had never intended to fall for any man; that to me, was an unnecessary distraction.

Our plans are not to be seen as set in stone, fixed paths on a road, but more like sign posts on an unknown road. Think about it in this way, someone with a good, kind heart wakes you up and says, I want you to get to a place called Destination, but I want you to get there with only a few clues that I will keep giving you as you make the journey. You don’t know what deviations exist on this journey, but you start off. At different points you may find road closures for whatever reason with signs saying detour. Sometimes the earth quakes and leaves you shaken. Sometimes you get magged on the way to Destination and you are left wondering why this good person has led you to this place.

We plan, sort of as attempt to get to what we think the destination is, and then we realise we have not arrived and have to forge ahead towards another pitstop. There are times we allow winds and tides to take us along and sometimes even take us backward. Sometimes we fall and break and lose hope, but rather than feel like failures, we need to trust the One who set us on the journey and walk it out, with plans that we intend to fulfill; plans we are truly working to achieve, but all that in line with the view that Christ is above all, and ultimately, His will is above it all, and that our plans might be changed by the true master planner.