Pain … pain has the potential to ruin us, or grow us. I hurt my shoulder 3 months ago, and I’m generally constantly in pain. It took a while for the pain to kick in, but after it did, there’s little that doesn’t cause me pain. Things I used to do without a thought, I now have to think about, like whether my nephews and nieces are too heavy to lift onto my knee, whether holding the newest addition to our family, will aggravate my shoulder.
I sometimes wonder if people believe that my shoulder is hurt, if people are talking behind my back, whether those who say they have my best interests at heart actually do. I feel small, disposable and trapped, struggling to do things that were so simple for me, like my crazy natural hairstyles–My hair is now generally always a mess, not even a hot one. I struggle to get up each morning, and I’m no longer writing at 4 am. I come home from work and sleep (I used to do that before but it’s different), and I am emotional. Pain has a way of ruining people, and I see now, just how easy it is, to get hit by depression, at this stage of my life. I’m not depressed, I wouldn’t place where I am in that category, I think that would be a dishonour to those who actually struggle with this illness, because I think it takes a lot of courage to live life with depression.
I have to keep fighting for life–for my life–despite my pain. I’m scared my shoulder will never be right; I’m scared the diagnosis might be wrong, or that there might be no logical explanation for my pain, but we all must endure the different seasons in our lives, and this is my lot, my season of growth, that God alone has a purpose for. I must walk this road, my cross over my shoulder and not be rude or mean or unforgiving, because pain can never be an excuse; it will either expose my evil heart and leave me broken, or it will keep me on my knees and cause me to bask in God’s goodness. Two scriptures gave me strength yesterday. Psalms 115:1 and Psalms 118:29, and I pray that God’s grace propels me to wake up and endure this pain a little while longer, if he so please.