Tag: love

Celebrating life

On By blessingsonahillIn All posts, Food for thoughtLeave a comment

This is probably the first year since my Uncle died four years ago that I have not woken up feeling low and depressed, or felt the need to feel that way. Today is my other Uncle’s birthday. So rather than focusing on what’s lost, I choose to give thanks for what I do have. In constantly focusing on what we will never again have, we sometimes forget that every single day, is a blessing and that we can be what that loved one was to us, to someone else. While there might always be a struggle for joy because of loss, it’s a struggle worth having. While sitting in the dark the whole day because of grief might seem attractive, if we allow ourselves to see it, there is a whole world out there that is more attractive than the depression death brings.

Celebrating life, requires we get up and live it, not drown our sorrows in alcohol or drugs or waste it spinning wheels of death as we do burnouts or encasing ourselves in darkness refusing to take part in the land of the living. I’m glad that when God chose to take Isaac, he did it on my other Uncle’s birthday because it gives us something happier to celebrate. Today I can look and say,  today God decided to call Uncle Isaac home, but today also marks the day that he gave us Uncle Solo, a man we love to bits and vice versa. I can celebrate the man who was Isaac and also celebrate a man who is Solomon. There is no shortage of blessings and even in death, Uncle Isaac continues to be a blessing, so I will enjoy the day, rejoice in it and be glad in it.

Migrants got talent 2013

On By blessingsonahillIn All posts, PoetryLeave a comment

I recently entered a competition called Migrants got talent (MGT), which is held every year in Perth, Western Australia. Made it to the top 3 and this is the poem that got me to the top 3.

It’s a poem about a woman who I spent a lot of my life with. She was a beautiful woman. She was a daughter, sister, mother, grandmother and great-grandmother and friend. As MGT finale was a just a couple of weeks after her death, and a day before mother’s day, I decided the poem would be a great tribute to the woman who was Bwalya Nelson Nyirenda. Her death has been the hardest experience this far.

The poem I performed in the top 3 is this one The volume is low because had to do it without a mic so if you put the volume up, should be able to hear.

As for the competition, the lovely Miss Ruth Kulaisi won the competition and I believe everyone who took part enjoyed it a lot and we made new friends and it was a place where different people where helping each other out and trying to make sure the other person’s act worked. It was just a lovely experience, with lovely people and I learnt a lot and my confidence levels just went North. I was humbled, and made more aware of this gift that I have been given. It truly is a gift because for me Poetry isn’t something I learnt or can force out of myself. I’m realising more and more that I can touch people with this gift in ways I never thought possible and God can be glorified through it. It is not something to use to make myself feel better than others or make others feel less but it should lift people to where they can be.

I never thought I would ever be on a stage performing poetry and yet here I am. Nothing that day went according to plan! gets you to a point where you laugh despite the chaos! and possibly in spite of it…lol…it was fun! I managed to leave out one line in each poem and the performances weren’t as good as I would have liked but people were moved and it was a great improvement from my first poetry slam. I got to stand on a stage with people with massive voices, great dancing ability and kindness beyond measure and got leadership training. It  was beautiful…Really beautiful.

I will post details for anyone interested in taking part in the next one whenever that will be. For anyone interested in helping out the Metropolitan Migrants Resource Centre or If you are a migrant living in Western Australia, feel free to visit their website at http://www.mmrcwa.org.au/ and check out what they are up to and whatever help they could offer or you could offer the community.

Ponderings brought on by a book

On By blessingsonahillIn All posts, Food for thought, Reviews/interviews and allLeave a comment

Some times, you read a book and find yourself the centre of the story. It puts what you have never been able to articulate, into meaningful sentences, leaving you feeling exposed and raw. It leaves you in tears and tears open the bandages you’ve covered over the wound that have not allowed it to heal. It has festered, and where you once had soft tissue, your heart has hardened. You find yourself in pain again, only you know it’s always been there and sometimes you’ve acknowledged it, but most times, you push it down. In trying to escape it you find you lose yourself and the confidence you once held. You don’t know the person you’ve become and you wonder when the struggle for peace and sanity ends. The book makes you realise that you might never totally heal and the things you are holding on to are things you know are choking the life out of you but you are not willing to let go because you don’t really know what else you have left. That’s what Francine Rivers’ Her daughter’s dream did for me and God I pray that somehow, you soften this heart.

If only

On By blessingsonahillIn All posts, Food for thought2 Comments

Lord, if men would realise that women are to be treasured and protected…not to be used to fulfil selfish desires but to be honoured…that girls will give sex in exchange for companionship, love and respect because they are disillusioned and that their hearts break when that love and respect is not shown…if only men could open their eyes and see that the girl they lie with today, is beauty that they might destroy. Worthy of the respect due a mother; she might one day mother their own son’s wife. That she is a grandmother, mother, wife; she is a child, a sister, a granddaughter, a friend; maybe even your own. If only they would open their eyes and see that she looks enticing, yes, but let the man who she was meant for enjoy her, just as you will one day hope to alone enjoy yours. That they owe their wives nothing less than what they expect, a man who is untouched. That as enticing as she seems, she might just be the seam ripper that makes you come undone…

That we women would open their eyes and see that if he loves “me”, He will wait. He will want the best for “me” even if it means he loses “me” . If only we would realise that compromise leaves us lost and broken…unsatisfied…pleasure lasts a moment but when it’s gone, what do you have left? If only we could treasure what is right and true, closing our ears off to the sweet nothings he whispers and hearing the truth in his words; hearing that we will get hurt and that he cares very little in the end.  Hear the truth in His words…the words of a loving Father…You are precious, loved and need nothing other than Him. That honour and respect; that love does not come by giving yourself away. That letting him have his way with you, deprives you, and if he hasn’t married you, he was no right to you…That there’s something more that awaits you, a man maybe, who will value you. If only we would realise that just because you gave in once, you don’t have to keep giving in, or that just because he denied you your right to “NO!” does not mean you lost the right…If only we realised that just because he ignored your “NO!” doesn’t mean that all men seek to take from us, by force if need be… If only we could see His tear-stained face, with arms outstretched, sweat beading, bleeding  for us, His deeds shouting as loud as His words, I love you this much!

IF ONLY…

Last day of 2012

On By blessingsonahillIn All posts, Food for thought2 Comments

Today for me marks the end of a very blessed year. When this year started, I was pretty close to rock bottom. I remember staying in the house the whole day, only coming out at night when my sister came home from work. I was bitter, resentment filled and angry. I was scared to leave the house because I felt if I did I wouldn’t come back. I imagined myself jumping in front of the train or just getting on the train and not coming back. I felt trapped and not needed.

Over the last 10 years I’ve experienced emotional strain and extreme darkness where I didn’t know how I was going to get through the day but I wasn’t willing to give up and I always came out of it but 2011 for me was the year I lost all fight…I crumbled…I felt crushed under the weight of my life this far, crushed by yet another failure, loss of loved ones, the loss of a friend. I felt crushed by my inability to get over my past, crushed by my inability to love the ones around me. What mother resents her own? Yet my love for my daughter was still present.

I had lost sight of what was important. I had allowed my problems and insecurities and people’s views to finally matter where they never had. I had allowed fear to reign in me. for grief and anger and resentment to become me. I remember talking to my brother on the phone, laying on the bed, tears flowing, unable to control them. I was unable to hold it all together. I remember him saying “you have a love affair with where you are at.” That was in January 2012. He had been talking to me about crying out to God but I couldn’t do it. I was in pain and yet I wasn’t willing to submit because I was afraid that what lay ahead with God might just be more painful. I felt wounded afresh at the loss of friendship. I remember writing “You healed only to wound again.”

At that point I had tried to get in touch with a counsellor and had failed. I remember talking to my parents and not being completely honest with them but at least the doors of communication had been opened and on my terms, eventually managed to find a counsellor. I remember invading my sister’s room and telling her things I’ve never told anyone else before. I had to be honest with my leaders at church. I remember sitting talking to my counsellor and telling myself I wouldn’t cry and yet breaking down.

I remember living with my brother and his beautiful wife, my elder sis and them challenging me to be better. I remember the birth of their child and the joy it brought…I remember mum coming and the blessing she was  to me. I remember connect group meetings…3 different groups where I was challenged…one controversial but causing me to analyse and re-evaluate where I stand. I remember a friend challenging me, refusing to accept I wasn’t okay, challenging me in my Christian walk. I remember getting to my counsellors house and telling myself many reasons why I should not knock on the door. I remember feeling like I had failed because I couldn’t get my life together on my own. The hardest thing for me to do is depend on people, even my family. I remember deciding to tell people the truth about going for counselling when they asked what I had been up to and it helped me get over the shame of it. I remember crying to God and journaling and praying and laying things bare before Him. I remember advice and hugs from those who have my best interests at heart. Those I kept up late when I needed advice or just a listening ear.

This year I got some of my confidence back. I had allowed life to reduce me to an unsure fear filled person and counselling was where I learnt I was really okay, not consumed by my past and I had to re-learn to be comfortable in me. To own my choices from here. Yes listen to what people have to say but in the end decide on my terms what course my life will take, because in the end, I can never blame anyone else for what I do wrong.

2012 for me was the year I saw a counsellor who helped me deal with some of my issues. I am in no way at the destination of wholeness but I’m on the way. It was the year I saw more transparently my father’s heart. I saw the restoration of a friendship I never thought possible. My nephew was born. My daughter turned 10, like previous years it has been a continuation of my journey. Where I see God’s hand. It was the year He again bent my knee to His will when I was unwilling and unable to within myself. It was the year I saw the most progress in my fight for purity. It was the year I stopped running. The year I attended a leadership course, the year I performed my own written poems live. The year I finally finished medical science. I got to get involved with life changers who are scattered around the world. people I love got engaged and married, babies were born in our family. This  year, my hope was restored.

So why am I telling you all this? Isn’t it funny how you hear Christians talk about going to the doctor for a common cold and demanding antibiotics when there’s no need for them, forgetting that Jesus is the great physician by whose stripes we are healed, and yet the same people will stand and declare that your faith is weak when you see a counsellor for emotional turmoil? We’re all different and while others have no need for counselling, others do. Do whatever it takes to get out. You can never tell whats around the corner. Darkness is relative to light. just because the sun is on the other side of the world doesn’t mean it stopped shining. Just because one door closes doesn’t mean you’re closed in. Sometimes all that’s stopping the light from trickling in is the walls you’ve built. Remember when in a dark room, you can’t see further than a few steps ahead of you and sometimes you can’t even see yourself. But feel around, stumble and even fall, if you take your eyes off the darkness and your predicament, you might just turn a corner and find hope, little rays of sun where there  seemed none, blocked by that one wall. Don’t give up! It’s okay to ask for help. Also never forget, that behind the smiles we see, there might just be more pain than we realise and you might just be what the other person needs to get through. Happy New Year and for those who have walked with me this year, may God bless you. Looking foward to 2013

Perfecto by B1…a review…sort of

On By blessingsonahillIn All posts, Food for thought, Reviews/interviews and all, The best of AfricaLeave a comment

B1 is a Zambian musician who from what I’ve seen of him, likes to sing about life issues, though some of his songs fall into the “rather” category and as such, this post shouldn’t be considered an endorsement of his music. In the song Perfecto, he sings about women being picky in regards to relationships. Basically he starts off by saying congratulations to a 30-year-old woman who has managed to stay a virgin. He then goes further and talks about how “virgin nkote ilibe maketi”- old virgin has no market…directly translated.

The message he’s trying to push forward is that women shouldn’t be picky and shouldn’t be “fault finders” because there is no one who is perfect and that all guys have faults and are fools in one way or the other and that if we keep finding faults, we will end up old virgins.

I agree with B1 in that we women can be very picky but I don’t agree that an old virgin has no market. A man of virtue will see her character and loves her regardless of age. A lot of us turn down guys because we’re scared and rather than face our fears we hide behind “no guy is good enough”. Face your fears, but don’t settle. Better a virgin at 50 than married to useless man. Decide what the nonnegotiables are but don’t be shallow. better a man who’s not good-looking but has a heart of gold, than a self-centred Mr Good-looking. Decide what the essentials are.  Whatever you want, only you know it. My aunt always says, if you want chakolwa (a drunk), tell God and He will give it.

Problem is, a lot of us don’t even know what we want. We’re serial daters, dating anything male, without considering the character. Some of us are willing to give ourselves to any man in the hope that he will love us? But why pursue something that’s out for the taking, with no cost to him??? In the end we lose out because men like to pursue and no man will marry someone they don’t respect. Cross your legs, or be content with losing out. If you chose to wait, know that “virgin inkote” (old virgin) is a very likely possibility, but be willing to carry the label proudly, because at the end of the day, not everything is about sex and not everyone is meant to get married.

Lastly, once married, it’s for life, so yes, I’m picky about important things because I know what I want and will not settle for less. You can watch the song at this link: 

Why I consider myself tribalist

On By blessingsonahillIn All posts, Food for thought2 Comments

Okay, the heading might be a little misleading, I’m not actually tribalists in the real sense of the word, I just happen to be all for preserving tribes and their respective cultures in Zambian Society. My reasoning is simply that diversity is usually a good thing. Just look at the great cultural landscape in Africa and the richness it provides; the different music, the different dances, ceremonies (some of which I don’t endorse). I love uniqueness and I believe that the different cultural practices of different tribes, generally, if we want them to, add colour to our lives. Also having to interact with so many groups of people, who might have slight differences or possibly major ones, does grow our ability to tolerate differences and improves our interpersonal skills.

I believe I was born a half-caste child for a reason ordained by God. I don’t believe any aspect of my being is an accident and it serves a purpose in the master plan. I mean God makes no errors. I’m half Bemba, half Nsenga, they are my heritage and I hold them proudly. I have to say though, before being any of those, I am Zambian, before being Zambian I am human, a family member, mother, daughter, sister, friend…but above all those, I am Christian and as paul said, “there is neither Greek nor Jew”. What should govern my view of the world is Christ hanging on a tree, not what my children will eat, neither maintaining a job nor having a husband and definitely “I’m Nsenga or Bemba, Zambian or Australian.

As hard as it is, the minute I identify myself as Nsenga above all else, I will live my life for the Nsenga people above all others, even to the detriment of other tribes. I am Christian first, and no, I don’t always get it right, but when Christ reigns, I see my traits and characteristics through the screen of “Christ died for the world and asks the same of me” and through that screen, I can live as umu Bemba/umu Nsenga and practice my culture without seeing “my people” as superior or inferior and that can be applied to every area of life.  What is it that governs your view of the world around you?

Natasha (thank you)

On By blessingsonahillIn All posts3 Comments

This is a poem I recited at the Perth Poetry club this afternoon. “Natasha” is a Bemba word meaning “I thank you”. It is my daughter’s name and as you can guess based on that, this is a poem about her. I wrote it on the 10th of October 2008, enchanted, so to say, by the 6 year old that lay next to me. I normally don’t like telling the story behind the pieces I write because I think poetry should be left to interpret itself and mean what it means to the reader but felt the need for this one. Generally people get the general message of a piece but it can mean different things for different people…So enjoy!

As I look at you now,
I can’t help but wonder,
What great love my father has for me
That He could, without measure, give
Me, not what I was hoping for or prayed for
But more

As I look at you now,
I can’t help but ponder,
What I did to deserve you but know
That I didn’t and don’t

As I look at you now,
I can’t help but wonder,
Why I doubted her so much…
Because I know my love is true,
And so is hers

As I look at you now,
I can’t help but remember
The memories I hold of you
Back then in the cold,
No photos to keep the memories alive, and yet,
My heart holds
Better

As I look at you now,
I can’t help but see you for the first time
And fall for you all over again
Long months that seemed like years,
Not seeing you or holding you;
Not being there
And yet when I look back,
We were never apart
We never forgot each other…

Every night fear shot through me
That you would forget,
And sometimes I wished you would
And yet in a small way, you showed and still show
That that could never be

As I look at you,
I can’t help but remember
How your name is the first
I thought of every morning
And the first and last I mentioned in prayer.

As I watch you now,
I can’t help but wonder
At how God used your soft presence
And Loud absence
To keep me going

As I sleep next to you now and hear your soft breath,
I can’t help but wonder
How my love for you keeps increasing
And sometimes chocks me
As I look at you now,
I want you to know,
I love you