I recently found myself getting anxious … Really anxious to the point that I couldn’t function effectively. About 2 and a half years back, I injured my shoulder at work and for a while, it seemed to get worse and worse and I thought it wouldn’t get better. I decided I would apply to go back to uni because if my shoulder didn’t heal, I had limited options. Then I got engaged and rather than defer my uni plans, took on uni and wedding planning on top of the responsibility of parenting and work. Not only is wedding planning stressful, but for me it also brought back a lot that I needed to work through from my past and placing so much pressure on myself to do it all in a year plus a few things going so pear-shaped last year left me just unable to function effectively. I was worrying about things I had no control over … the wedding was sorted, I finish uni this year, and the shoulder did heal.

Recently, I heard a preacher talk about working with the cards that you have been dealt and it got me thinking. So many times, we look at our lives and focus on things we can’t change. You can’t change your family, or your past. Most times, you can’t pick your boss, and sometimes, you find yourself forced to be where you don’t want to be. Things inevitably will go wrong; you win some, you lose some. We all have battles to fight, be it disease, or wars or just facing an unfair world. Instead of stressing, worrying about what’s out of our control, it’s important to remember to play the cards we’ve been dealt.

Everyone has their own set of cards, and I realised that wondering what our lives would have been like, doesn’t help us. Even without the bullies, the unfair boss, the horrible parents, or the lovely parents who died too early, there are no guarantees our lives wouldn’t be as messy as they are now. Everyone has mess to clean, stories to tell and battles to fight, be it at someone else’s hand or our own making. Sometimes we want people to sympathise and find an easier route for us, but life is hard, at different times, for all of us and we must each play the cards we’ve been dealt. I have only one guarantee … God! and that’s all I need. Do I get stressed still, yes! Today I caught myself worrying about not having a placement for prac and how this would eat into my planning time, but again, was reminded that I can work with this, it’s not the end of the world and God has me covered.

So before you start crying over what was or could have been, make a life out of whatever your circumstance is and find ways to get to where you want to be.

Love sits on a throne. He reigns with patience and kindness, and sweeps over the earth like a flood. Love takes us captive, whilst freeing us and renewing all we’ve lost. Love is a wave that covers us over, drowns us and saffocates us … yes, love is death, everyday, every time, when people throw insults at us, Love saffocates us, and gives life to mercy and tolerance. It requires a lot of sacrifice. Love allows us to fail, to fall, to make mistakes, because Love always stays, always catches us and always corrects.

Today I had a realisation … having guestlist problems isn’t necessarily a bad thing. It just means that there are so many people out there who you would love to have celebrate with you. Yes, some may not understand why you would leave them out, but budget constraints sometimes mean that you have no choice but to cut names off.

Most people want to come because they care; because you share a relationship they treasure. Even those we don’t know are usually there to support someone close to you. Those that are there to hate, well, if God is going to set a table for you before your enemies, you need enemies.

What would be sad, is not having anyone to invite; to be alone; with no support and no one to walk you through the wedding jitters, and no one to celebrate with.

Our list is over 500 names strong, and yes, it has been cut and will be cut further, but these people have all played important roles in our lives at different points.

So if you, like me have too many people on your wedding guest list, thank God, because others have no one.

Sometimes sin and discover that there is no substitute for the surpassing joy and peace that Christ gives

Sometimes sin, when melancholy hits, promises so so much, until it draws us further into the depths of anxious turmoil … depression

Sometimes sings; our drugs of choice, our weaknesses, promise to drag us to hell; but if only Christ would save us, we would be free

Sometimes sin? We all do, but in Christ freedom is possible …our brokenness sometimes sings our strength in Him

Sometimes sin, if only to break your pride so you can depend on Him to kill sin

There are no sometimes sins. they all break me and enslave me … if only Christ would set me free … I would be free indeed

I don’t know what it is that has died in me … I’m fearful most of the time. If you had seen me back in high school, you would have probably voted me most likely to succeed. But I don’t go after  my dreams anymore. I don’t know if I have any dreams left and the only reason I make any attempts at trying, is that my daughter depends on it. I hate  not knowing where I am going, or how to get there. Today I’ve taken multiple steps backward, but this is my one step forward. This is my life, and somehow I have to live it.

Last time i wrote on here, I was coming to the end of the semester, what I didn’t realise was that my Professional Practice would be even more demanding. I made it to the end and have been trying to gain my bearings before round two hits. I have been writing the last few weeks though. I have in recent days been pondering my thought processes and due to a recent “mishap of words” as I would call it, I have come to this conclusion … “I was not created for diplomacy”. I have a tendency to say things that rub people the wrong way and sometimes, it might seem like I just don’t care how people see me. I do care, I just don’t think the way everyone else does. I’ve felt sorry for myself, wanted to change, wanted to be someone else, wanted to just conform. I still want that, I can’t lie, because it would save me so much grief.

This week, I have come face to face with the face of my grief … More than that, I have come face to face with the power of words. My father once told me that I have great ability to bring people together … but though I’ve known, for a while now, that I have the power to divide, I have never seen it quite as clearly as I do now? Words carry so much power … symbols carry power … each letter, each punctuation, each combination. Words can unite and divide but no matter what you mean, words are only as powerful as the person perceives them. In the end, there are no explanations to make up for the hurts they may cause.

The feeling then, that i was not created for diplomacy, has left me feeling unsure of myself and this gift people say I have. I love to put words down, but even when I don’t put them down for the love of it, they carry a meaning. People see them as they receive them and yes, sometimes the packaging helps, but once received, we are responsible for whatever the effect of those words is. I was not created for diplomacy, but i was not created for war either. Maybe what I was called for lies somewhere in-between, but I don’t know where exactly that is … or if being somewhere in-between is even a possibility